Just for laughs - Gambling Jokes!

Gambling Joker

Its good to laugh! Take a few minutes out to read these gambling related jokes; If you have a good joke to submit, please email it in for publishing to this page.

Whoever Invented Gambling?

I don't know, but many people believe it was invented as a tax on people who are bad at mathematics!

Monkey Nuts

An old lady takes a visit to the local zoo. Whilst observing the monkey house, she runs over and taps the keeper indignantly on the shoulder and retorts; "Those animals of yours appear to be engaged in shooting dice. I demand that you break up the game at once." The keeper shrugs his shoulders and replies; "They're keeping strictly within the law lady, they're only playing for peanuts."

A Tramp Asks a Passing Man for $2

The man stops and replies to the tramp; "If I gave you money would you buy booze?" The tramp says, "No." Next the man asks; "But Will you gamble it away?" The tramp says, "No." Finally the man asks: "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

Lottery joke

A man rushed into his house and yelled to his wife, 'Mary, pack up your things. I just won the National Lottery!' 'Brilliant,' replied Mary, 'shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' 'I don't care.' the man sneered, 'just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'

Dice Joke

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. Along comes a beautiful young blonde who wants to bet £10,000 on a single roll of the dice. But she insists, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.' The two men are delighted and readily agree. So she takes off all her clothes and rolls the dice while yelling, 'Be lucky . . Be lucky . . Be lucky.' As the dice stops she yells, 'YES, YES, YES!! I WON, I WON, I WON.' She jumps up and down, kissing and hugging the dealers. Then she picks up her money and clothes and rushes away. The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, 'What did she roll, anyway?' 'I don't know,' replied the second, 'I hoped you were watching.'

Praying for a win

A guy named Fred finds himself in dire trouble his business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate he decides to ask god for help. He begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it. Fred again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and Fred still has no luck. Once again, he prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Please just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Fred is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Fred, meet me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

The gambling son

I want you to help me stop my son gambling," an anxious father said to his boy's principal. "I don't know where he gets it from but it's bet, bet, bet." "Leave it to me," said the principal. A week later he phoned the boy's father. "I think I've cured him" he said. "How?" "Well, I saw him looking at my beard and he said, 'I bet that's a false beard.' 'How much?' I said, and he said "$5 " "What happened?" asked the father. "Well, he tugged my beard, which is quite natural, and I made him give me $5. I'm sure that'll teach him a lesson" "No, it won't," said the father. "He bet me $10 this morning that he'd pull your beard with your permission by the end of the week!"

Bill Gates

Bill Gates arrives at the port to heaven and hell. St. Peter says : "You see Bill, we don't know what to do with you. You may choose heaven or hell." Bill peeks in heaven and sees a couple of old boring men sitting around at a table. Bill takes a look in hell and sees really beautiful women, sex, drugs, rock and roll, and best of all, gambling. Bill says : "I am a gambling man, I want to go to hell!" Once in hell, Bill is immediately thrown into the fire. Bill asks : "Hey, what the hell is this? I saw gambling, the women, and sex?" The devil says: 'That was just a demo version."

Gas Contest

Two Kentuckians drove to a gas station in Indiana for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay,the men asked the attendant about the contest. "If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant. "How do we enter?" asked the Kentuckian. "Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10. If you guess right, you win free sex." "O.K. I guess 7," said the Kentuckian. "Sorry, I was thinking of 8, replied the attendant. The next week, the two Kentuckians returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the one Kentuckian asked the attendant if the contest was still going on. "Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10. If you guess right, you win free sex" "Two," said the Kentuckian. "Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again." As they walked back to the car, the one Kentuckian said to the other, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged." "No way," said the other. "My wife won twice last week".